So here I am, it’s 12:51 am and I’m on my smart phone letting my mind wander - open my App Store - trying to distract myself from my own head. The fan is too loud right now - is that the dog breathing heavily? Why on earth did i say that today - I hope he doesn’t feel horrible about being with me. I try to think of how I should be. Should I be more greatful? Should I put my worries aside and let my mind rest? Oh I have tried. I try my hardest to solve the puzzle and get what comes next but I just cant. Why am I trying to find patterns? Always putting the circles with circles and the squares with squares.
I have found that I am always asking questions to people who don’t need to give me answers. I always feel like I need confirmation and support.
Tonight I feel muddled. I’ll try to find out why
After a day of cleaning up the rental, riding my horse and visiting my Aunty and dad I just feel exhausted.
I walked into the old family home in which my Aunty is residing- immediately I focus on the benches and find beautiful wine glasses. I tell my Aunty how beautiful they are and I asked where she got them from. Unfortunately she failed to tell me the shop name but only replied with “you can’t get them anymore” I eventually hinted that they might be from Kmart as I had seen them before. As I was talking she broke out with stressful banter about her neck saying it was stiff and she was in pain - I wondered at that point if she was ok and I handed her a coffee but I didn’t ask her about it. my Aunty looks frazzled, stressed and unbearably run down. I can’t focus in that house for many reasons. 1 is that it’s not my home any more and it’s hard to see it loved and lived by someone else. 2 everywhere I look is a constant reminder that this was and is my mother’s home - it was always brighter with her there. 3 my mum was bagged up in the front room and taken away.
I can’t imagine living in a house where my sister had died.
I can feel it still.
I’m not sure if someone is supposed to get help for coping with something like this. It’s nearly been a year since my Mum has passed away and I’m feeling so many different things just don’t know if I’m ever going to be on track. I definitely think positively for 80% of the day but it seems when I am alone with myself a little voice creeps up inside and just HAS to remind me of all the things which I may or may not have messed up during the day. I always think of how I can do better and achieve the things I want every day which is on point. But I can’t help but bring myself down when everything is all said and done. I do miss her. I try to tell it to my friends but it’s sad talk that no one wants to hear.
I hope I find an ear soon.
I have found that I am always asking questions to people who don’t need to give me answers. I always feel like I need confirmation and support.
Tonight I feel muddled. I’ll try to find out why
After a day of cleaning up the rental, riding my horse and visiting my Aunty and dad I just feel exhausted.
I walked into the old family home in which my Aunty is residing- immediately I focus on the benches and find beautiful wine glasses. I tell my Aunty how beautiful they are and I asked where she got them from. Unfortunately she failed to tell me the shop name but only replied with “you can’t get them anymore” I eventually hinted that they might be from Kmart as I had seen them before. As I was talking she broke out with stressful banter about her neck saying it was stiff and she was in pain - I wondered at that point if she was ok and I handed her a coffee but I didn’t ask her about it. my Aunty looks frazzled, stressed and unbearably run down. I can’t focus in that house for many reasons. 1 is that it’s not my home any more and it’s hard to see it loved and lived by someone else. 2 everywhere I look is a constant reminder that this was and is my mother’s home - it was always brighter with her there. 3 my mum was bagged up in the front room and taken away.
I can’t imagine living in a house where my sister had died.
I can feel it still.
I’m not sure if someone is supposed to get help for coping with something like this. It’s nearly been a year since my Mum has passed away and I’m feeling so many different things just don’t know if I’m ever going to be on track. I definitely think positively for 80% of the day but it seems when I am alone with myself a little voice creeps up inside and just HAS to remind me of all the things which I may or may not have messed up during the day. I always think of how I can do better and achieve the things I want every day which is on point. But I can’t help but bring myself down when everything is all said and done. I do miss her. I try to tell it to my friends but it’s sad talk that no one wants to hear.
I hope I find an ear soon.
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